The exception

I would like to be the exception.

The exception to the accepted, the normal or the typical.

I see myself as the exception, but not in the capacity I hope for.  Why do I feel like the exception?  In so many ways I search for the intimacy with God that I hunger for, but I seem not to feel Him like I desire.  Even though I feel like I try and I want to know Him more, I seem to consistently question the importance and even the relevance of Him in my life.  That is the craziest thing I have ever said outside of the thoughts in my head.

 But there it is.

How is my life better with God, compared to how my life was without God?  It's incomparable...when I look at the transformation of my family and my marriage, the answers are obvious.  God is a miracle worker.

I see the miracles, yet I continue to question His power in my own life.  In my personal everyday life.  It is available to all of us.  I know His power is my power, yet I am the exception to that, right?  His power is at work around me...I see it.  It radiates from those He touches.

Yet, I am the exception. 

I listen for Him, I wait on Him, I anticipate His presence.  Somehow, though, I am left feeling something less then expected.  I look to blame something or someone, so I blame myself, because I have convinced myself I am the exception to His glory, to His perfection, to His beauty, to His mercy.  I know in my heart the falseness of this, but my mind will convince me otherwise.

So, I say I can't hear or feel God like I desire.  So I ask myself......Do I search Him like I really could....like I really should?  Do I hear Him, but not recognize His voice?  How do I hear His voice in the crowd of voices?  Which do I choose to hear?  Logically, I know the answers to my questions.  I've read the books and done the Bible studies. 

But, have I read THE book? 
Have I meditated on His book? 
Do I welcome God's presence and expect it when I call on Him?
In my moments of weakness who do I turn to....who do I trust?
Beyond saying I believe and trust God, Do I really and truly?

I pray I do.  I know God's truth and I do know it's for me.  The part, for me, where I am challenged, is walking in that truth.  That is where faith comes in.

I still want to be the exception.  I want to be the exception to this world, but not to the brilliance that Jesus has waiting for me.  I want to know it in my mind, feel it in my heart and see it with my eyes.  I want to know that His brilliance is for me just as it is for you. 

So I will continue to search, realizing that we are all the exception, and at the same time, none of us are the exception.

A day of first's

So....today is the first day of Fall!  Now, because I live in the "Valley of the Sun", otherwise known as "an oven", I don't find myself remembering this day, much less celebrating it.  Palm trees don't turn glorious shades of yellow, orange, red and brown.  And the last thing you want to do is jump into a big pile of palm leaves...ouch!  The high temps here are still hitting close to 100 degrees.  Definitely not brisk and chilly.  Definitely not slipper weather....yet!  Luckily, I have discovered if I burn enough Autumn Spice candles in my house and drink spiced hot tea I can trick myself into believing it's chilly outside in September! 

But today is a day of first's that encompasses more than just the first day of Fall. 

I have a confession to make.
My family and I have used the same bath towels for almost 10 years!  I never buy them, and I don't know why.  Yes, they are discolored, half-bleached, fraying, falling apart and some literally hanging on by a thread. So, today for the first time (my Mom even bought my last set of towels over 5 years ago) I bought new towels!  Ok, so I only bought 4 but it's a start....and I was able to toss the oldest and rattiest of all of the towels today.  Very liberating!  I also bought one in each color because they were so pretty and plush, I wanted one of each.  Freshly washed and dried towels are the best!

My most exciting first for the day (and my favorite) is that I have decided that today is the first day of the rest of my life.  Is that not the most cliche saying you've ever heard?  The awesome part is that no matter how cliche it is, for me, it's true!  For the first time, I am choosing to choose.  To choose the good over the bad.  Joy over sorrow.  Humbleness over pride.  Thankfulness over selfishness.  Giving over taking. 

I'm choosing Victory over defeat!

I can admit that I have lived my life as a believer in Christ under a massive weight of chains that have locked me to regret, disappointment, shame, complacency and even depression.  All this time I could have been dancing in freedom yet I was choosing to trudge through life under an indescribeable burden. 

I was an unhappy Christian.

So today, as I choose to tear away from that bondage, those lies, I delight at the thought of what tomorrow may bring!  Hope, peace, love, joy, excitement, future.  When the day is over I know I am loved, that God is good, that His mercies are made new every morning, and above all else, I am His child.  I can rest my heart and my head in the hands of my Creator and know that all is well.

I am finally moving forward.  Even in the painful times I have taken steps backwards, I am reminded of the saving Grace of Jesus Christ and  my soul is rejuvinated and filled with a new thirst to know God more.  And guess what I found out?  One foot in front of the other actually works.

This song has been such a blessing to me...it speaks such words of stepping out of our past and into our present!  Enjoy "Moving Forward" by Free Chapel.

Thanks for reading!

My So-Called Life

life

If you are in your 30's (and even if you aren't) you may remember the tv-show drama from the mid-90's called "My So-Called Life".  It was about high school students, one girl in particular, trying to find their place, their way, in this crazy world.  I related to this back then, and really still do today. 

In highschool I was shy, but still outgoing.  Quiet, but well known.  I had a best friend and we were absolutely inseperable for all 4 years.  I realize now that in our relationship I always hopped into the submissive, passenger seat in our relationship.  At the time, that was perfect for me.  As a result, I did really well at blending in to my surroundings.  I never wanted to stick out and be known for something specific, as it terrified me to my core.  My ability to blend transformed me into a chameleon and I discovered that it was easy to be a part of a crowd then to be set apart from the crowd.

For your visual entertainment, here are some hilarious high school photos of me:

Ahhh...freshman year...included at no extra charge are the hair-sprayed and teased bangs and the fake smile!

The classic photo booth shot

Graduation night!

I have 4 years full of memories from high school, some great...some not so great.  But, what I realized is that most of them weren't my memories.  They were memories that I was there for, that I participated in, but it didn't really go beyond that.  I had convinced myself that without sports, popularity, the cheerleading squad or a boyfriend to hang on to, that my "place" was my grades.  So I did good in school, I guess because that finally gave me the identity I was missing. 

But it was safe.  Unchallenging.  Comfortable.

Today, those are the 3 words I am running from.  Running because if I walk I am afraid they will catch right up to me and I will be back where I started.

This wake up call has not only made me re-evaluate my own priorities, but even my relationships with other people.  My revelation was that over the past 20 years, key friendships in my life have almost always led me to be the understudy or the apprentice.   I convinced myself that was the kind of person I was.  I have never had strong opinions in life about much of anything and the most heartbreaking realization was my apathy for the one thing that had been saving me.....God.

I wonder now what kind of person I may have been in high school and college if I had discovered my identity rests in Christ, not in friendships?  How many opportunities to share the love of God were lost due to my own self doubt? Could I have, would I have made a difference?  One of the biggest questions in my head over the last few years has been "what difference do I make, anyway?".   I got married in my mid 20's, had 2 kids and I live in a 3 bedroom, 2 bath house in a cul-de-sac. 

So what?  So what does that prove?  My success as a person "making it" in society?  Today, for me, it proves that I have a lot to learn about myself, about my God, and about my purpose.  This patient, kind, forgiving, encouraging, loving God was all I had ever needed, but I had been running from His outstretched hand for as long as I could remember.

The amazing part is now, almost 2 decades later, I know that I am moving forward.

I have known of Him for 20 years.  Now I hunger to know Him.

So, as I look back at my teens and 20's, I remember "My So-Called Life" and what might have been.  And then I remember that through the sacrifice that Jesus made for us, and by the love and grace of God, "My Life Is So Called" to be more than just status quo, more than just a shadow, more than just a good grade.

We are called to be MORE.

So....your turn.  Fill in the blank:  "My Life Is So Called to_________"

God Bless!
Andrea

Silencing the Noise

Noise can mean many things to different people.  Most people hear or see the word "noise" and feel a sense of irritation...like noise in general can be annoying.  Loud or repetitive noises like car horns, construction or loud music would generall be considered irritating to the ear.  There is another type of noise that I think consumes all of us on a different level.  The noise of the distractions around us that keep us from doing the things our heart truly desires. 

When I wake up in the morning I tend to have an agenda of things I would love to accomplish that day ranging from spending quiet time with God, to working on my Bible study, to laundry, to errands, to, well you get the point.  That may be my ideal agenda, but typically my plans get warped by the noise around me.  The strange part is the noise is usually my choice, my decision is to be and stay noisy as much as possible.  My distracting noises are the internet, tv, bills, my own restlessness, and even boredom (ironically).  I have even found myself using music (even Christian or worship music) to be a form of noise for me.  Sometimes I justify or equate my time listening to Christian music as time spent in the presence of God.  I am not denying the power of the presence of God while worshiping Him through music, but I think there is such potential for a completely different experience when quieting yourself to actually hear Him! 

Even through my distractions, I tend to get the "easy" stuff done, the errands, cleaning and laundry and even the Bible study.  The tangible "to-do list" things seem to be easier for me to accomplish.  What seems to be forgotton is that life-saving, fulfilling intimate time with God.  The louder it gets, the less available my spirit is to be quiet.  Essentially, my noises allow me to avoid the things I know my heart needs, but my mind is telling me to avoid at all costs.  It is almost as if as much as I dislike all the noise and distractions, I migrate to that out of default.  Noise has always been my safety net.  As deafening as the sounds sometimes get, sometimes it is the most comforting, because that is all I have known for so long!  I honestly think I have been afraid of being quiet.  As much as I want to hear from God, I think I have been deathly afraid of it.

Over the last few weeks my husband has been out of town and I was anticipating hours of quiet time with God! I couldn't wait! I also decided that I wanted to paint the entire interior of my house (besides the bedrooms)! Over the course of 3 weeks, my time spent in God's presence was quickly dwindling and in it's place was painting. All of a sudden I didn't have time to talk to God, or listen to Him, for that matter. I was too busy. I became too busy to worry about how my husband was doing, or even to miss him. I truly missed him, but I wouldn't let myself feel it.

Painting my house became my most recent "noise". 

I began to resent the noise, but I couldn't pull myself away from it.  It consumed me and now I realize I was afraid of that quiet time with God, of actually achingly missing my husband and not being able to do anything about it, of having to deal with my own emotions.  I have been avoiding my emotions for years....how I avoid them has changed, but they are still being avoided, nonetheless.  As great as my house looks now freshly painted, I have the memory of what it cost me spiritually and emotionally to choose painting over time with God, and time with my husband and kids.

As my husband prepares once again to travel away for 3 weeks for his job, my prayer now is for peace.  The peace I know I already have within in me even if I don't feel it at the moment. Philippians 4:7 reminds me that I have "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, it will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus".  I pray that I go to the One who can comfort me when I am feeling lonely or tempted or scared.  I know that God will walk me through those emotions and still be there to see me victorious through Him!  I continue to desire a growing hunger for God, an unquenchable thirst to know more of Him, to feel more of Him.  This will only be achieved by me spending more time with, well, Him!

Silencing the noises around us, whatever they may be, is a conscious decision we have to make in order for us to hear the soft whispers of God guiding our paths.  If we don't the noise may end up consuming us in a way that we would never expect.  The enemy likes to blindside us, that's for sure.

Jessie Daniels sings a song called "The Noise" that echos my own thoughts.  Check it out:

The Noise

Thanks for reading!

The Divine Pen

Well, here I go.  I am writing a blog.  What does that even mean?  There are blogs everywhere you look these days on any subject you could possibly imagine.  My inspiration for this blog is God.  Simply stated.  For the first time in my life I am actually trying to hear God, instead of just pretending to.  Imagine that.  It is a new concept for me, so although scary it is also exhilarating!  I have been trying to plan my life and write my "story" for as long as I can remember.  Aren't I the author of my destiny?  Don't I determine my steps and direction?  For years I have been telling myself that I want God's will for my life, and I want to follow God's plan for me, but I have really never believed that until recently.  I said one thing and did another.  As a result, as I reach my mid 30's, I am just now realizing my identity is not determined through the world's eyes, but through God's eyes.  What a difference!  It's like my eyes have been adjusted, the clarity is perfect!

So, as I start finally listening for God, I will write.  I am often times not even sure how to hear Him, but at least I am finally listening.  I have learned the hard way that there is no scarier place to be that outside of the will of God, and I never want to be there again!  I choose to hand God my pen, so that I can allow Him to write my life into His plan.  So, God, here's my pen.  I choose You.  I say yes to Your plan and to my destiny as a woman of God.  Thank you, God, for being my Divine Author.