The exception

I would like to be the exception.

The exception to the accepted, the normal or the typical.

I see myself as the exception, but not in the capacity I hope for.  Why do I feel like the exception?  In so many ways I search for the intimacy with God that I hunger for, but I seem not to feel Him like I desire.  Even though I feel like I try and I want to know Him more, I seem to consistently question the importance and even the relevance of Him in my life.  That is the craziest thing I have ever said outside of the thoughts in my head.

 But there it is.

How is my life better with God, compared to how my life was without God?  It's incomparable...when I look at the transformation of my family and my marriage, the answers are obvious.  God is a miracle worker.

I see the miracles, yet I continue to question His power in my own life.  In my personal everyday life.  It is available to all of us.  I know His power is my power, yet I am the exception to that, right?  His power is at work around me...I see it.  It radiates from those He touches.

Yet, I am the exception. 

I listen for Him, I wait on Him, I anticipate His presence.  Somehow, though, I am left feeling something less then expected.  I look to blame something or someone, so I blame myself, because I have convinced myself I am the exception to His glory, to His perfection, to His beauty, to His mercy.  I know in my heart the falseness of this, but my mind will convince me otherwise.

So, I say I can't hear or feel God like I desire.  So I ask myself......Do I search Him like I really could....like I really should?  Do I hear Him, but not recognize His voice?  How do I hear His voice in the crowd of voices?  Which do I choose to hear?  Logically, I know the answers to my questions.  I've read the books and done the Bible studies. 

But, have I read THE book? 
Have I meditated on His book? 
Do I welcome God's presence and expect it when I call on Him?
In my moments of weakness who do I turn to....who do I trust?
Beyond saying I believe and trust God, Do I really and truly?

I pray I do.  I know God's truth and I do know it's for me.  The part, for me, where I am challenged, is walking in that truth.  That is where faith comes in.

I still want to be the exception.  I want to be the exception to this world, but not to the brilliance that Jesus has waiting for me.  I want to know it in my mind, feel it in my heart and see it with my eyes.  I want to know that His brilliance is for me just as it is for you. 

So I will continue to search, realizing that we are all the exception, and at the same time, none of us are the exception.